My name is Ana Paola Ruiz. I immigrated to the United States, specifically to Indiana, eight years ago this summer. When I came, I thought I was just visiting and that we would return to México after two weeks; we were just here to visit family… but then, two weeks passed and we stayed. I remember seeing the return date on the round-trip plane tickets. I didn’t understand why we were staying. I had nothing to do with this country. I didn’t speak the language, my house, my belongings, my friends were in México, everything I knew up to that time was somewhere else, but the ties were being severed. I cried for a long time. I didn’t like the small, darkly lit houses; I didn’t like the small windows. Although I have always lived in a city, I wasn’t used to a city the size of Indianapolis. Everything seemed to be so far away, so foreign and different, detached. Maybe it was just a reflection of how I felt.

Right away, we enrolled in school. The way the school system is divided up is different from that in México, so I started my education in the United States, two years behind. Back then, I was really sad and frustrated with the whole thing; it was unfair, I hadn’t asked for any of it. I felt the odds were against me. As I the school year progressed, I struggled a lot because I didn’t speak English. I went to a small Catholic school that did not have an “English as a second language” program. I was challenged to sit right next to the kids that were born here, or had been speaking English since they were little. It was a swim or sink kind of issue, I either adapted and caught up the many years of school they were ahead of me (regarding the language only; don’t be fooled to think that I didn’t know anything –in fact, I was the best of our small class when it came to math… oh, how I liked numbers back then; they were a language I could understand, they gave me comfort). Still, it was very uncomfortable, feeling like I didn’t belong… longing to feel accepted, to accept the situation at hand. It still is uncomfortable sometimes. Sometimes it still feels like I will never fit in, I will never be completely accepted and I will always have to prove my worth no matter how hard I’ve tried or how many things I have accomplished.

Today things have changed; my first feelings towards this country have reversed. I L..(I still have trouble saying I love this country. I mean I do and I am very grateful for all the wonderful opportunities I’ve had, and the amazing human beings I’ve met; I wouldn’t change these experiences, but it’s still hard feeling rejected). I have done and experienced so many things… if my life had been different, I would have missed my life.
I am happy to accept it as it is right now, with the good things and the bad, with all the struggles I face but that I know are worth conquering. I am at the place where I am right now for a reason.
I think I owe it to my family for coming to this conclusion, to this point in my life. My mom always tells me that I need to think positively and to see the good side of things, she is wonderful, I don’t know how I would have gotten over my sadness of leaving everything familiar if it weren’t for her support. She always knows when something is out of the ordinary is happening in my life. Out of the blue, I’ll receive a call, or she’ll know what to ask to get me talking about whatever is going on; she definitely has that maternal sixth instinct. My dad always tells me to work hard when it’s time to work and to enjoy life the most I can when I have the opportunity. He showed me the importance of enjoying the little things in life and not to get caught up with the drama that every day existence can be, to buy something without looking at the tag price when buying something special, or when it is a special occasion, it feels great, especially when times are hard. He showed me the ineffable beauty of nature; I liked when he just stops in front of a golden-leafed tree in the fall season and is just amazed by it. In the same way, I admire my brother’s perseverance to work hard for the things he cared about, they might be different from mine or what our parents expect of him but he doesn’t bend because of it. He’s so talented and dedicated, if I dedicated as much time as he dedicates to playing the guitar and other instruments or writing music to anything I do, I would be the best, maybe someday I can be like that.
Something else I have learned in many different places (school, home, hanging out with friends, walking by a pond) is that we are all connected and we depend on each other. We cannot live thinking that we can make it on our own, or that we can disregard a group of people. It’s not that they have no value, it’s probably more like we haven’t cared enough to find the value they bring and how they help our lives directly or indirectly.
I don’t understand why people say such hurtful things sometimes without really understanding what they say or the reason why things came to be what they are. Lately, nonsensical shouts drown voices like mine, like those of my family and my courageous friends. We, I have let it. I am too comfortable. The truth is that they’ve given me enough (money to go to college, resources, friends, allies) to keep me complaisant. I have been worried about losing what I have and I have lost sight of those next to me! We all have different paths, different experiences and circumstances in life, but I, we cannot forget about those struggling with us.
That is why I am doing this. I don’t want to get too comfortable because even with everything going against me, I have it alright.  Around me, other people struggle and probably feel alone, not knowing where they belong… our world is broken. But unless we get up from our comfortable spots, stand up in solidarity with others, and realize that we are in this together, the world is not going to get better. I am tired of feeling like the shadow of a person and I won’t take this silence anymore. Here in Indiana, I will step into the light with my friends, following the steps of others that have realized there is nothing to fear. They will see who we are and the great things we can accomplish. We are ready.